A little inside to the heart

You all know by now that this lady will disappear every now and then. These past months have become one huge hurricane. There are periods in your life when everything happens so fast. It’s almost like there’s a movie playing and you’re there, right in the middle of the crowd in slow motion, but everything around you is moving faster. You notice every little detail like it’s been written in a book, but at the same time, it’s almost like you haven’t participated in the whole story.

I have been traveling—not just to another country, but also through time. It turned out to be more painful than I expected. There was this feeling of resistance before I went back to the Netherlands. I was happy to see everyone, but at the same time, the load that came with it was heavy—maybe heavier than I expected it to be. I had these beautiful, deep conversations that moved and touched me. I was amazed by how easy it felt to see everyone again. I feel rich and blessed looking back at the people who are still there after 1.5 years, supporting me, loving me, and celebrating with me.

I cleared out and threw away a lot—more than I ever thought I would. But I did it. While being there, the only way to describe the time was “intense,” for lack of a better word. Looking back, I was drained. I felt empty and alone, maybe even a little brainwashed. Being back there made me feel like I had never even left. I started doubting everything in my life, and sadly, there was nobody I could talk to who would understand it. And you know what? That’s okay. There was a moment when I thought I wanted to go back, and I did not understand why, because I am so happy in Curacao…

Now, having been back for almost two weeks, I’m starting to land. I am recovering, and slowly my energy is starting to flow back. My creativity is finding its way out, and while I am still a little tired, I am moving forward. Determined to work on my business to make it a huge success because I owe that to myself. Slowly, I am seeing clearly again, and it makes me realize that the only reason I felt I had to go back was because, even though everything felt the same as before I left, I also felt like I did not belong there anymore. That brings me peace but also a little sadness. I love the people back in the Netherlands—they are so important to me, and I want them in my life forever if that’s a decision I can make. But for now, until the time feels right, it’s going to be me here on Curacao.

With tears in my eyes and a little nervous about posting this, I am showing you a piece of my heart, my emotions, dreams, and thoughts. No need to understand—reading and seeing should be enough.

On to the next.

Love,

Felicia