Breaking free: The end of people-pleasing

Writing in the moment feels more effective. It gives me clarity as I watch letters and words form a story or paint a picture of what’s in my head. If I had to describe it, it’s like a jumble of threads flying around, almost like a four-year-old’s drawing. But when the words form a story on paper, it’s like an artist has drawn the picture. When I’m not writing, it feels like I’m avoiding confrontation.

I’m an avoidant person when it comes to certain types of confrontation, especially those where I’ve been emotionally hurt. But today, my desire to get what I deserved outweighed the pain confrontation might bring.

Through years of self-development and awareness, I realized I was a people pleaser. I started reading the book The Mountain Is You. As an avoidant person, I didn’t read it for a long time, but now I felt the urge to. It confronted me with a writing assignment: to list everything holding me back from living the life I want. This included fears, insecurities, financial struggles, and other obstacles. The purpose was to get out of denial, see things clearly, and work from that point. Writing this assignment, I noticed how important it still was for me that certain people “like” me, especially those I love or hold dear. I care about them for a reason.

When confronting these people about things that bothered me emotionally, I used to end up appeasing them so they would still like me and not leave, even if it meant ignoring my own boundaries or emotions.

Someone once told me, “Felicia, some people never really look in the mirror. You, on the other hand, look way too often, even when it’s not your turn.”

If it weren’t for that book this morning, the chapter I read, and the assignment I did, I wouldn’t have realized this. I am done with that last bit of people-pleasing and avoiding confrontations. Just two hours after completing the assignment, I stood by my truth. I didn’t care if this person, whom I care for deeply, would no longer be a part of my life. We are human, and being human means making mistakes. When two people are fighting, both are partly to blame. I judge people by their actions toward me, not by what they do to someone else. If their actions don’t align with my self-worth, I will let them go out of love.

I’m not saying these people are never allowed back into my life. I’m simply saying that, based on the life I live now and the person I am today, they don’t fit. That doesn’t mean I won’t hold space for them in my heart because I cherish what we used to share.